Tagged: television

Go to Moto World and shove it, Mark Grant

Catch the drift from the title?

The Padres home television package on Cox Cable 4 is a disgrace. Geez, and why does that cable outlet have exclusive rights to Padres games anyway? Yeah, I get it, but there are people in their home market that don’t even get Cox Cable, so what do they do?
The worst parts, however, are two-fold. Mark Grant is one big problem. The other is whatever moron producer/director is choosing the shots. Each makes the actual attempt to watch Padres games on TV sometimes excruciatingly awful, especially for someone who actually is a baseball fan.
#1 MARK GRANT
Mediocre pitcher despite being a Top Five draft pick, wasted talent I guess. But as a commentator, THE WORST. Beyond mediocre. Constantly crying about ball-strike calls, official scoring, whatever, nonsense. WE DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IF HE HITS IT IT’S A DOUBLE ON CHECKED SWINGS AND WHINING ABOUT BALLS AND STRIKES. The fact is Grant is such a complete homer he has zero credibility, especially when replays are so prevalent. Enough already.
Then, there’s Grant’s supposed expert analysis. Simpleton stuff. No insight. Crapola really. He should be ashamed. Or he’s making some dumb non-baseball comment or trying one of his really dumb puns or takeoffs or who does this guy look like…Pretty much everything except what is going on or helpful or interesting at all. Guess he’s the anti-Vince Scully. Honestly, I pity Matt Vasgersian, who is a Bob Costas-type guy and really being held back by having to appear on the same screen as Grant. Lose-lose, Grant makes everybody look worse and if you call him out on something he goes into this why are you picking on my thing.
But the worst of the worst are these constant Grant self-commercials while the game is being played.
Not like there aren’t billions of commercials during any conceivable break in the action. The worst of these are Grant’s constant harping on Moto World or whatever bike shop has him on the payola rolls. Constant chatter about Moto Crap even tying it in during plays or based on a flimsy lead-in. Then, during the breaks, he has more actual motorcycle world commercials. He also has a similar deal with Viejas Casino and goes on and on about eating at their buffet or some nonsense. Guess they can buy him for a free lunch or slot play.
Enough of this shill already. It’s not only not funny, Grant, but tired and sad, disgusting actually.
We’re interested in baseball and hate you for being such a no-nothing shill.  But guess if you don’t actually know anything you can be vice-president (Sara Palin) or Padres pseudo fake announcer. How much money is Moto World and Viejas paying him under the table? Man, it looks and sounds so bad, how do they get away with it?
#2 NOT SHOWING THE ACTUAL GAME
Speaking of Cox disgusting coverage, they often have some person totally unrelated to baseball or the game show up, like Sam the Cooking Guy, or whatever flotsam appears on  Cox 4.
OK, that stinks, but they take it even further by NOT SHOWING THE GAME, instead focusing the camera on the booth and talking head interviews while the game is being played. Again, we’re watching the games because we’re baseball fans and WE DON’T CARE ABOUT SAM THE COOKING GUY, or whatever, much less want to be forced to watch him and can’t even see the game. If you feel the need to shill your worthless shows nobody watches ever, do it, but also allow us to watch the game. It’s disgusting and a poor reflection on you.
With the Direct TV and MLB.com packages, we can watch everybody’s coverage. It’s, in fact, impressive how many top-notch broadcasters and crews do baseball games in the U.S. and Canada. Love it! So, the bar is obvious and when a D- or F+ “talent” like Grant is around, it looks especially evil.
On the plus side, again, Vasgersian does a good job when allowed. Bob Scanlan, another former pitcher, currently handles post-game duties and you know what, he is outstanding. If he stays in San Diego, it would be so much more preferable to have this guy do the games. He actually seems to know something.
But Grant.
Go to Moto World and shove it. YOU’RE OUT!
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Jeff Kent v. Vin Scully..or stop talking ’bout me

Are you kidding me?

Sure, Jeff Kent is a jerk and a liar. Don’t forget moron. Remember his close encounter of the broken wrist kind while —  er-um, kick me if you’ve heard this one before — “washing” his truck.
He’s also a red neck loser.
But a great hitter. Defensive liability but he can hit.
Hit it already and shut up otherwise. I’m speaking in reference to Jeff Cant’s comments about Vin Scully.
Vin Scully is the greatest broadcaster of this generation and any generation dating back to when he started in the 1950s. He is a far greater presence and historic figure than Kent ever could hope to be.
So, to go after Scully for alleged disrespect when the announcer merely pointed out the obvious, that Kent’s hitting numbers had skyrocketed since Manny Ramirez came aboard is beyond idiotic.
And then to say Scully should stop talking about it and that he talks too mch.
NEWS FLASH IDIOT FOR BRAINS

That’s all Scully does is talk about it! That’s his Hall-of-Fame job.
All Scully does is talk about it. And it and that and this. That’s why people love him. That Scully has so much baseball knowledge, and can say the most illuminating and amazing things during the game. That makes the game for most of the world. Not your sorry country-western ***.
Kent said he was kidding. Oh yeah. Funny stuff. Next Stop John Stewart and Letterman.
Vin Scully is a baseball legend. You Jeff Kent, are a monkey on a rock. And yes, Manny is the reason you’re hitting better. So, if anybody should shut up, gee…wonder who.

Sure signs of the apocalypse, and other stories

An unassisted triple play. We’re talking Asdrubal Cabrera to Cabrera to Cabrera and rally stop. This was a real treat. With that in mind, let’s take it truly around the horn this session. I’m planning more in-depth examinations of several issues in coming days, including the demise of the Padres, the sudden downfall of offense in general, and an investigation into coach Wayne Graham’s super powers, but for now…

End of the world as we know it,  REM Fans

The Mayan calendar ends on Dec. 21, 2012. Some say that date signals the end of the world as humanity knows it.

Begging to differ. For today may have signaled a more immediate end to life on Spaceship Earth. As the chosen ones, myself somewhat included, say, why was today different from all other days?

Because today the Rays found first place in the AL East. And it was good. Vince Namoli is rolling in his grave. Let the premature celebrations begin!

After a decade of turmoil, incredibly inept management decisions, terrible clubhouse mixes and a constant struggle to keep up with the rest of the league, the Rays made it to first place, alone and unbowed, even if just for one fine day in May.

Gabe Gross provided the final honors on May’s lucky 13th for the Rays. He drove in the winning run about 10:45 p.m. Tampa time, in the bottom of the 11th Inning.

(Sidebar: Hope Gross stays a Ray. Last time he drove in the winning run in extra innings this year he got traded from the Bruise Cruise for all his troubles.)

Hallelujah, already.

I’m still a bit skeptical. I don’t agree totally with this sign them to long-term contracts while they’re young approach. The Indians pioneered the concept in the 1980s and it worked for them. A bad contract, or two, and that strategy can sink a franchise. So, the Rays better get that new waterfront stadium just in case.

But the passion, finally, got there from here. Rays fans are coming out of their caves. The game Tuesday actually found more Rays fans than Yankees fans in the St. Pete Orange Funhouse. Shocking.

I follow the Rays with more than a modicum of interest. When the team was founded, I was a Tampa guy. I bought a “Devil” Rays cap the first day it was issued. I wear the mark of the Rays while walking around Rancho Santa Fe although the many changes in cap style have burned a hole in my pocketbook.

Today is different from all other days and I don’t care about tomorrow. Pass me a Cuban already. I’m eating this up black beans and rice followed by guava turnover style.

Ichiro joke

Most fans by now appreciate Ichiro has better than a working knowledge of the English language, translator and entourage notwithstanding. Sort of similar to Sammy Sosa — Remember him? — anywhere besides a congressional steroids hearing.

As relayed by Michael Young to Tom Grieve to me (to you): Ichiro rolled into Second Base. Grasshopper, he said to the Young one. Grasshopper? Yes, Ichiro added, grasshopper, they named a drink after you. Pause. Really, said grasshopper, Ichiro continued, they named the drink Steve?

Say hello, Kung Fu Master Po, David Carradine division.

Please hold all applause until the end of the column.

Other funnies

1. Ryan Dempster. He does a pretty mean Harry Caray impression. Mean as in don’t wait for any call-ups to David Letterman’s impressionists week although ventriloquists week may not be out of the question.

Saturday Night Live might work though, too. The Caray impression was more like an impression of Will Farrell doing Harry Caray.

Now, let’s get some runs!

 

2. Umbrella night at Kansas City. They came in handy. It rained and rained and rained. But that’s not all. With fans disguised as blue-on-white umbrellas, after rain delays and a stoppage due to a tornado warning, Billy Butler won the game in the bottom of the 9th with a homer to Left Field.

Not. Just kidding.

The ball bounced off the top of the wall and back into play for double trouble. Nevertheless, the game-winning fireworks went off as Butler remained on a pedestal at Second Base. Not to worry, the Royals prevailed in the end. Umbrellas down.

Less funny are the Royals on Sundays. The blue tops look good. The white pants look gay. Switch out the swatches. Or get the Fab Five from ***** Eye for the Straight Guy on the case.

Uniformal oddity

Waiting for the start of Padres-Cubs, the television guys replayed the final inning of Jim Maloney’s Aug. 19, 1965 10-inning no-hitter against the Cubs. Maloney threw 187 pitches in walking 10 and striking out 12.

Odd, true, but truly odd: Reds uniforms. The numbers were above the names. Those unis are crying out for turn back the clock day.

Miscellaneous musings

Robert Earle, Robert Earle…Keen, that is; won’t hold being an Aggie against you ’cause you’re so cool. Keen performs May 17 after the Astros-Rangers game. And remember: “The Party Never Ends”.

Heath Bell gets on his bike — kiddy division, handlebars and training wheels — in promoting Padres games on TV. I knew Evel Knievel and you, sir, are no Evel Knievel.

The 100th anniversary of Mother’s Day on Sunday was a cause for regret to some. Those stuck on 1908, anyway; you know, the last time the Cubs won the World Series. Look it up. (Bless you mom)!

Tony Romo was guest conductor at Wrigley Field’s 7th Inning Stretch histrionics. His voice was wide right. He must be hitting it big though. First time in recent memory the booth visitor didn’t have to stay the entire bottom of the 7th. Take that, Bonnie Hunt.

Finally, upon further review, in mascot news

Give up your day job!

The guy dressed out as a giant human hot dog at Cleveland was more alarming than pink bats or elephants at Charlie Finley closing time.

Where is Krazy Krab when you need him, er, it?

The Cleveland hot dog is a guy calling out for a stadium mascot gig. Tastes good, less filling, but can he dance?

Cliff Lee, Fausto Carmona, No No Sabathia, take heed. The heck with shutouts, this is a shout-out. The hot dog guy may be the actual key to your success.

Borat, respect.

And I am out of here…