Let Teddy Win: The Week of Memorial Day in MLB

Don’t ask me about the weather around here. Don’t tell me what day it is or where to go for food stamps. I don’t care.

Reading through these scribbles on a yellow steno book, I see many times written let Teddy win. But that buffoon is worse than the 1962 Mets, or 1962 Senators for that matter.

Woe unto Teddy (giant racing Roosevelt head) never wins. He hasn’t won the D.C. president’s race since last year when he surprised crosstown rival Oriole bird mascot.

Last week, however, the bird took the annual crosstown match more seriously and quite poor-naturedly mugged Teddy, not once, but twice.

That’s baseball. Oh wait, that’s not even baseball. That’s nice.

On the field, David Eckstein was doing his Marcel Marceau impression as he pantomimed pain while serving as a human pitching backstop getting hit several times in the ribs, on the shoulders, all over the place last week. Ouch. It hurts just to watch, or contemplate.

Then, I had a good one for A. J. Burnett that he almost, but not quite ruined, by finally pitching decently and blanking the Rangers on Wednesday; Wednesday, right?

After a recent Yankees walk-off, Burnett smacked hero Johnny Damon in the face with a shaving cream pie. I was all set with the only thing he can hit with a pitch is Johnny Damon’s face with shaving cream pie, but as I said, Burnett tried to resemble that remark.

Viva Clay Zapata, I mean Zavada. It was hard to tell the difference since Zapata, I mean Zavada, featured a perfect Emiliano Zapata — that Zapata — mustache. Zavada is throwing better than kinsman Zapata giving up no earned runs in four innings, including Tuesday, so far. So viva Zavada.

How bad was it for the Cubs during their recent losing streak. They started wearing rally caps in the first inning. That doesn’t exactly buoy my confidence in their chances.

Yeah, Mr. T got very ugly with the Take Me out crowd at Wrigley Field seventh inning stretch. I swear I’ve heard him sing before on some variety show, or nightmare, and he sang pretty well. So, I’m wondering if that whole deal wasn’t total shtick. I’m shocked, shocked Mr. T would do something merely for publicity purposes.

Speaking of publicity, two players who need mad pub immediately if not sooner. Adrian Gonzalez wasn’t even top six for National League all-star first base voting. Are you kidding me? Talk about below even under the radar. He is having an MVP-type season.

And in the junior circuit, Ryan Sweeney. For all the Tori Hunter, Andruw Jones et al,  hype, this guy is the best defensive outfielder in baseball. Too bad he hasn’t hit much yet.

One final note, earth to B. J. Upton. And I am so frustrated I put this in all caps:

YOU PLAY TOO FREAKIN’ SHALLOW IN CENTER FIELD. MOVE BACK SO YOU ACTUALLY CAN CATCH SOMETHING AT THE WARNING TRACK. PLEASE, FOR HUMANITY’S SAKE…

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