Ken Takahashi, Joan Rivers, my mother and me

No, Larry Anderson wasn’t the first to say this, but he does get a lot of credit in baseball circles, nonetheless: Why do they call it a parkway when you drive on it and driveway when you park on it?

But I regress.

Firstly, get well soon Remdog. Jerry Remy. He’s one of the greatest personalities in baseball. And he was a hell of a second baseman, even if he did play for the Red Sox.

Hey, get ready for Ken Takahashi.

Takahashi takes Ollie “I don’t need no stinkin’ strike zone” Perez’ place in the Mets rotation. The No. 4 draft pick of the Hiroshima Toyo Carp in 1995, Takahashi went 66-87 with a 4.23 ERA, entirely for the — fish? — so expect greatness. (Not). Actually, I believe Koji Uehara puts Takahashi to shame.

What’s truly amazing, though, is Takahashi’s age: 40. Released by the Blue Jays in early April, Takahashi is the third oldest player to make a rookie debut in modern MLB history.

The other two? Satchel Page, age 41 (officially), or older, for the Indians in 1948; and Diomedes Olivo, a catcher, age 41, ditto, for the Prates in 1960. So, enjoy.

The last 11 Red Sox-Yankees games have exceeded three hours in length. While that rivalry gets overplayed in the Northeast and sneered at most everywhere else, bring it on, sez me. While I’m a fan of neither, I’m of the mind it is by far the best rivalry in baseball. Cubs-Cards, boring; Dodgers-Giants, lame. Etc.

Max Scherzer does everything but win. Who has July 4 in the win pool? That might not cut it at this rate.

While we’re at it, I don’t care where Matt Holliday is playing, he still hasn’t touched home plate in the Rockies-Padres 2007 playoff elimination game.

And while we’re at it, too, I don’t care that the Kardashians were at the Dodgers-Nationals game. I don’t know what’s worse, the useless K clan or the equally horrific N’s. You know the saying: first in war, first in peace, last in the Am, er, National League. Washington karma. Please leave home without it.

Speaking of horrible coincidences, have you noticed how much Chase Utley looks like Jesse James; not even Jesse James the outlaw, but the boring loser fake celebrity married to Sandra Bullock, and featured on the latest travesty of Trump’s sleazy “Celebrity Apprentice”.

You mean the Diceman gets tossed Episode One, Tom Green, who actually wanted to win, gets tossed whenever, and Dennis Rodman self-tosses, but this guy makes it to the final three. Makes me want to toss.

By the way, in a “Celebrity Apprentice” addenda, my mother went to summer camp with Joan Rivers. They were heated rivals. My mother even got $200 from the National Enquirer for her feature “Bigmouth Joan Rivers was kicked out of camp at Age 11”, one of the few true stories in that, shall we say, organ.

My mother was chosen to play Snow White over the irrepressible Rivers at Camp Kinni Kinnic in 1944. She visited Rivers backstage at the short-lived “The Joan Rivers Show” in 1990 to reminisce.

“I thought bygones could be bygones since it happened so long ago,” Mother said. “Joan told me she would have been a better Snow White and I should have been cast as Dopey.”

All I can add: Go Annie Duke, go! And while Larry Anderson’s at it, have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

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